And it made me cry
Is anyone else overly emotional? You just feel a lot, and you feel different emotions throughout the day? Well, I do. I use to be numb to things, I totally would ignore all of my pain, until I decided I wanted to be a better person, and for me to do that I had to allow myself to feel all the feelings, and it was not easy, because I have held in my feelings for decades and I did not understand what I was feelings or why, it was confusing, still kind of is. The best thing to help with feelings is through prayer and accepting them. I was a perfectionist and that meant always being happy and positive, and pretend I have it all figured out. Once that facade dropped, my life came down crashing I could not pretend anymore. Life was getting harder to handle.
My life consisted of alcohol, drugs, abuse, and irresponsible people in my life, from childhood to adulthood, that was all I knew. I was stuck in this cycle, until I realized I did not like the person I was. I hated who I was, I still regret my life sometimes, but by the Grace of God, in Jesus’s name I feel like I am becoming a new person. I really hated the decisions I made, the way I felt. I had so much guilt it was insane! I thought so low of myself and to top it off, I was bitter and angry. I was so mad, at myself, my family, my friends, and my dad…
I know humans are not perfect, I look at myself and I know I am not perfect. I look back on the days I was taking care of my dad and I have regrets, I was so mad at him. I wish I wasn’t, I really do, it hurts me to see myself so mad at a person who is terminally ill, but I could not help it, little Rose was mad at her papa. I never expressed it, I just shoved it down somewhere and called it anger. I knew why I was mad, I understood that my father did his best, I understood he was sick and is going to die, yet I could not let this anger go. Not until I found Jesus Christ and started to pray to Him to help me let this anger go. I was done feeling this way, it was not healthy for me or anyone around me. And Jesus helped me.
That is why I started to cry, making my father a birthday cake, reminded me that I ws not angry anymore, and just wishing I’d done more things with him. I wish we could have spent time together and I enjoyed it, instead of wishing I was not the one taking care of him. Making him this cake reminded me of what I have always wanted since I was a little girl and that was to have a loving family, one were we all cared for eachother, were my parents would be their for me and made sure everything would be okay.
Now that I am older, I realize how hard life is, and how much harder life is when you feel alone. My dad always felt alone, he would tell me this since I was a child, I never understood because I’d always think “you have me,” it wasn’t enough.
My dad was never alone, even when he needed someone and no one else was there for him. God knew I’d be there for him, even if I was not perfect towards my dad, God knew that I needed to repair my relationship with my father because it was going to help restore my faith and relationship with my true Father, my Heavenly Father, the One Who Is and Will Always be with me no matter what. God has gifted me with compassion and love, I made my dad a cake because I love him, because I care about him and I am not doing it because I have too, but because I want too. I want to show my dad I love him, even in the smallest ways and simplest ways, just the way Our Havenly Father does things.
So yeah I cried because I can’t believe I am making my dad a birthday cake, it means so much to me that I am able to share this gift with him, it feels like we are family. I can see how far I have come and how much I was able to heal and grow. It was not easy and I would do it all over again.
Pray to God in Jesus Christ name, He is listening, He knows it’s not easy, keep your faith strong, especially during hard times, trust in His Goodness, even if it doesn’t make sense. Life is not easy, it’s hard! But with Jesus life feels possible even through the bad and uncertainty. I pray that you trust in His goodness, and you cherish your present moments. Matthew 6:34 “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”
